House Trap : fear of being judged as less than. Mairead Ashcroft 28/9/15

I received a phone call this morning that I always dread getting. No I have no deadly disease, my family are all safe and sound and no natural disasters are predicted near me in the near future. My anxiety levels are sitting at about 7 out of 10. What can be so frightening you might ask? Next Tuesday, one week from tomorrow, we are having a house inspection in the unit that we rent. 

I am going to take this opportunity to to examine why a house inspection is such a big deal for me. Firstly I will tell you that I keep a very tidy home. I am a minimalist in my choice of decor, I never go to bed with a dirty kitchen and I clean the house top to toe once a week. The house doesn't get very messy any more anyway. We once had 7 kids and 2 adults all living together and the house was always lived in but pretty tidy then too. I had outdoorsy kids so that made the house work easier. Also I'm not a big fan of ironing so instead of letting it pile up, I just don't do it unless absolutely necessary and that is usually on the day that I need the item. Living in the house now we are down to my husband and myself and 2 adult children, who come and go.So after 7 kids and 2 adults, 4 adults is no big deal. Everyone pretty much looks after themselves except that I am my husbands carer. So why am I so anxious?

I am an over-achiever and have been for as far back as I can remember. I been a yes person, a can do and will do, even if I don't want to person.

I believe that this stems from a lack of self esteem due to my experiences of child abuse many years ago. I feel that my lack of self esteem may have sent me down two very different life paths, one of addiction, poor living conditions and lack of  drive or one of getting as far away from that perceived lifestyle as possible. At the age of 18 I chose what I believe is a more resilient path. But here I am stressed over a house inspection. I have spoken in Parliament house, Melbourne town Hall, on radio and television and here I am stressing about a 15 minute inspection. So what might be going on?

I believe that I am afraid of being judged. I was terribly afraid of others opinions when growing up, as were my parents. The society in in which I was raised in the 60's, 70's and 80's, was very judgmental, particularly with migrants. My parents felt this pressure and pushed to own their own home within 6 years of coming to Australia. This was a mammoth achievement but it would seem, not quite good enough to satisfy their needs. Life for my parents became about being "better than" and this included having better than children. Better at sport,training in a cold pool at 6am after drinking raw eggs. Better at school, practicing all subjects for hours. Better performers, singing in concerts, not only in English but in Gaelic. While all of these achievements were taking place, I was being sexually abused by a close family friend who was a school counsellor and member of the Catholic Clergy. My personality began to change and although I was already an introvert who shied from the spotlight, I didn't want to be in the limelight any more. In fact I wanted to disappear. I did not want to be judged for what was happening to me. At the age of 10, I stopped trying at school, I didn't care too much about sport and one of the things that caused great grief in my home for my house proud parents was, I stopped tidying my room. It was a mess, so much so that when our house was broken into when I was about 15, the police thought it had been ransacked and my parents were too embarrassed to tell them any different. 

My home was not my castle nor a safe haven.

My house was a place where I experienced pain, horror, ridicule, intimidation, humiliation and most of all loneliness. For my parents, their house is a place of pride. They are living the Gret Aussie dream with a beautiful house by the beach. I grew up with a different experience. To maintain such a house, I have experiences of feeling of less value than a piece of carpet, more annoying than a scratch on a dining table and smaller than the dust that I missed while cleaning up. Now with the imminent house inspection looming I once again feel that I will be judged as less than. I understand that this perspective can be changed. It is only a thought and an illogical one at that. It has been an unconscious reaction that I have now made conscious. I know that I have the power to change this negative pattern of behaviour. It may take a little while for the realisation to become concretised in my neural pathways but with gentle reminding I believe that I will change this thought and avoid the feelings attached to it. I am enough just the way I am. 

Live your Bliss

Mairead