Bracketing thoughts and emotions V's Dissociating from thoughts and emotions or Being Consumed by thoughts and emotions - How to maintain emotional stability during times of adverse stress when your child is looking to you for safety and comfort. Mairead Ashcroft 28/11/15 .

Whether we are parents or not, children are exposed to how we behave in any variety of situations, e.g. our language, how we behave in public, what we say to one another and how we express our emotions throughout our day, just to name a few. As we know, children are like little sponges, absorbing everything that their senses are exposed to.
Many people have the difficult task in life of caring for a sick child. Often for the common cold but sadly, sometimes for illnesses that are long term and sometimes life threatening or terminal. My heart goes out to the families of children who were taken far too soon. Fortunately, my children survived their illnesses and continue to live productive, happy lives. I wasn't so sure in those dark hospital days, that we would ever get here but 25 years later, here we are.
As a mother who had spent many, many years at Melbourne's Royal Children's Hospital with my twins who were both born with Kidney disease, I wish to share a particular insight that I gained along the way. Remaining calm in the presence of my children throughout the numerous procedures and operations, enveloped my children in emotional safety. They mirrored my calmness back to me which in turn, allowed me to maintain my focus on their wellbeing.

I have witnessed extremes of behaviour from carers and medical personnel. Some have kept their logic in charge while others have drown themselves in emotions.  An adult might, for example, tell a child that a particular procedure was not going to hurt and then the child experience pain or a child may have been told that everything was going to be alright, telling the child not to cry, particularly with boys. These carers may have been dissociating from the emotional content of the experience of both themselves and the child. A situation such as this might build distrust on behalf of the child to the carer and/or medical personnel, which in turn could set the child up for feelings of fear, abandonment, distrust and undue worry over subsequent procedures.
On the other hand, a carer may exhibit no emotional constraint when an appointment is looming, crying and catastrophizing the situation in front of the child and or giving too much information about a procedure for the child's intellectual capacity, sometimes leaving the child with no one to offer them comfort. These situations could happen when a child is listening to you chat on the phone or in another room. This can heighten a child's anxiety and set them up for unnecessary stress.  It is also possible that the child may carry feelings of guilt and self blame for having put their carer through such distress. I tried to remember that my children's experience of illness was not about me. Only my emotions were mine.

I don't quite remember how it came about but I found that my children showed resilience after terrible situations far more easily when my logical mind and emotional mind were in balance. My stability seemed to either filter through to them or maybe they were mirroring back the visual and energetic message that I was holding. A huge part of this stability and resilience for myself and the children was an appreciation of the tranquility of the present moment. I believe that if I was to tell the children that in one month or one week's time they were going to back in hospital, the children may have had all of that time to worry and sometimes, catastrophize the situation due to the fear of the unknown or memories of the past. For this reason I only chose to tell the children the day before. As they grew older and had a better understanding of their health and the nature of their visits to the hospital, we were able to discuss the upcoming visit and set in place a variety of distractions to kill time during the hospital stay.
Undergoing procedures and check ups can be traumatic for children and should never minimised. Something I learned over the years was that if a child is treated like a sick patient day in day out, they can embody this persona, limiting their potential for recovery and limiting the ability to appreciate the wonderful moments as they present during any given day.

Brave at University of Minnesota Masonic Children's Hospital

 So how can a family survive the appointments, medications, scans, procedures, operations and life disruptions, without losing hope. In order to survive and thrive with a long term illness I found it helpful to stay in the moment as much as possible, experiencing beauty and fun wherever and whenever we could. This in no way means that I never felt as though I was going to crumble into a million pieces. Some days we all had tears in our eyes but I believed that the most important job that I had to do as a parent was to keep my children safe emotionally and psychologically. This was where I put my focus. I tried to stay calm and non- judgmental of the situation at hand. This gave me the ability to listen and understand what was happening. By putting my thoughts and feelings into a "mental container" I could be there for the children, allow my experience to settle and take positive action to process my thoughts and feelings at a less stressful time. I did cry in front of my children but I told them truthfully why I was sad making sure that the words that I used pointed out that I owned these emotions using "I Statements". This made the children less likely to create an inappropriate explanation for my pain or to experience self blame or responsibility for my emotions. Hospitals offer support for children and carers and I would advise anyone attending hospital in support of loved one to take advantage of any help offered. An effective carer is someone who cares for themselves as well. Children absorb whatever they are exposed to so I tried to offer my children hope, love, strength and emotional balance. It didn't always work out but we thankfully managed the situations and after 25 years, the children seem to bare no emotional scares around long term illness.
Live your Bliss
Mairead