Experiencing the after shock of jailing my childhood sexual abuser. Mairead Ashcroft 19/8/15
I don't quite know what I was expecting but the enormity of overwhelm is almost too much to bare. I am tired all the time, I am carrying somatic pain and I am plagued by invasive memories.
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| "Fixing the Heartache" |
When I sleep
I get no rest.
When I dream
They are not sweet.
When I cry
I feel no relief.
When I eat
I am not sustained.
When I drink
My thirst is not quenched.
When will I sleep with rest?
Where will I find sweet dreams?
Who can relieve my tears?
How can I fill this emptiness?
When you watch a film or read a book about someone facing the criminal courts system as the victim and wins, the story often ends with the good guys smiling. I am fortunate to be one of the few survivors of historical sexual abuse whose perpetrator was sentenced for his crimes. I can only imagine how my mental state may have been if my 16 year battle resulted in no conviction. It may surprise you to read that despite the positive outcome, I am struggling to exist at the moment.
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| "Some Pain has No Words" |
In order to maintain logical thought throughout this arduous process, I had taken advantage of my ability to dissociate from my mind, body and spirit. Now that the guilty plea is confirmed mt abuser is incarcerated, my memories have amplified, my dreams are intensified and my physical pain is dragging me into the abyss. That isn't how it happens in the movies but for some reason, many people around me seem to believe the fictional stories as if they were fact. It would seem that the impression that some people have is, 1) You make a report to the police, 2) the police catch the offender, 3) the offender goes to jail and the survivor instantly lives happily ever after and it all happens in an hour or two. I'm sorry to burst that bubble but it doesn't work that way. Managing to take an offender to court for historical crime takes time, organization, a strong will, determination and a lot of it. In saying that, I would do it all again in a heart beat if I had to. For those contemplating the exercise, police in Victoria, Australia are now more highly trained and show true empathy and understanding. I am very grateful to the SANO Task Force and the Office of Public Prosecutions for their hard work and support. https://www.victas.uca.org.au/communityservices/Documents/Sano.pdf
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| "Time will Pass" |
In the aftermath of the harrowing life experience of prosecuting, charging and sentencing my abuser, I am left with the realization of my life's truths.Yes it really happened! I suffer with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it would seem that the affects have been boosted into over-drive in the past few weeks. Previously my memories were only that, memories. Some of them were fuzzy, some of them were a niggling sense in my thoughts. Others were not cognitive memories but faint memories held in my body. Today my fuzzy, faint, niggling memories have surfaced into full forms. It is as if these memories are happening in the moment. I am experiencing bodily sensations just as they may have been during the actual abuse, as if they were happening again today. The pain seems to arrive with no pattern and my thoughts seem to over-run my every day activities. It is terrifying. It is painful. I am suffering.
The feelings that I am sharing are rarely spoken about but are normal reactions to abnormal experiences. Studies point out the effects of trauma on the brain and body. http://artoflifewithmairead.blogspot.com.au/2014/08/understanding-trauma-how-stress-and.html
I know that it is going to take time for me to calm my thoughts, feelings and body felt responses. I will not be able to just, "get over it." as some people have suggested. I have not felt closure, although I have been promised, yes promised closure by many well meaning people. I am finding it is very difficult to face my fears and I intend to proceed with small forward steps. If I try to force my pain to go away it only gets bigger. On the weekend I walked in nature and practiced mindfulness techniques to self sooth. This is an example of a small forward step which took a great deal of effort for me.
I know that it is going to take time for me to calm my thoughts, feelings and body felt responses. I will not be able to just, "get over it." as some people have suggested. I have not felt closure, although I have been promised, yes promised closure by many well meaning people. I am finding it is very difficult to face my fears and I intend to proceed with small forward steps. If I try to force my pain to go away it only gets bigger. On the weekend I walked in nature and practiced mindfulness techniques to self sooth. This is an example of a small forward step which took a great deal of effort for me.
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| Caufield Park and Bird Sanctuary |
I am finding that spending time on my own is very difficult at the moment and that intrusive thoughts and memories become louder and more viscous the harder I try to fight them. So I travel gently. I am open with my family about my present experiences within reason and I am also receiving appropriate professional help and I would recommend this to anyone who is facing the affects of long term trauma. Healing is hard, very painful and slow. I cannot undo 43 years of pain overnight. My family have also been traveling this uncomfortable road with me and I am very grateful for each and every one of them. I try to never underestimate the strength of my loved ones. I am also finding that telling the truth about my feelings is reassuring for my loved ones and myself. I know how frightening it can be when I experience half truths. I tend to fill in the gaps inappropriately, often causing myself added anguish. Facing fear with truth and honesty , no matter how illogical that fear may seem, gives me a starting point to begin healing and moving forward.
Live you Bliss
Mairead
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