Carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Mairead Ashcroft 1/10/15

Post traumatic stress disorder can present a variety of difficult experiences for those who are under it's grip. My responses to the childhood trauma and PTSD have been hyper-vigilance, nightmares, flashbacks, difficulty in social situations, confusion of thought, inability to relax in crowds, dissociation, numbness, disconnect from the body and over thinking which have lead to overwhelming tiredness. A new experience had developed over recent months since the recent arrest of Brother Bernard Hartman, the man who sexually abused me as a child. I have struggled being alone in my home. In the past I have really enjoyed having some me time. I would paint and draw, listen to music, read, garden and whatever else I fancied, but during the past 5 months, noises and thoughts seemed to become louder, time seemed to loose meaning and my focus became very serious, almost macabre. I seemed to hold a fatalistic view of the world that was magnified when I was on my own. I felt as though I was somehow responsible for the welfare of the people involved in the Syrian refugee situation and other catastrophic, humanitarian failures. I felt that the world was an evil place and that we would all be better off if a meteor crashed into the earth and obliterated us all.  I would feel angry at the television when advertisements  about our first world problems like wrinkle cream and "Reality TV" flashed on the screen over and over. Who was I really angry at?
What did I think I could personally do to save the world? I felt anger and frustration build up inside me. My stomach would churn and my body would tremble. On top of this I was playing the blame game. For example, " It's all my abuser's fault because he destroyed my life and there is nothing I can do about it, because I am feeling so unwell and that is also my abusers fault." I had began to live in a cycle of negative, self fulfilling prophecies which was not at all like my usual persona. " I hate being on my own but people don't want to spend time with me when I'm like this because I am a burden, so I will hide out by myself, but I hate being on my own...…….." My pessimistic attitude was crippling my ability for rational functioning in many ways. My relationships, work life and self care were all suffering.

Then, one day I took some time and really looked at myself in the mirror. I Noticed the dark circles under my sad eyes, weight gain around my middle, poor posture with sunken shoulders and a forward jaw, lank hair and over all look of defeat. I asked myself out loud, "Who the hell is this frightened, grieving person who has invaded my body?" My inner critic was having a field day. I noticed how much weight that I had put on and focused on that for a while. Then I spent some time examining every blemish on my face. This was followed by varicose vein  appreciation day. Not surprising none of this was helping. I thought that I should start taking walks along the beach again but I perceived the day as too hot, too cold, too windy or that the timing wasn't quite right.This was not my normal behaviour but I just couldn't seem to stop. I felt trapped in my misery. I was living a dualistic world where things were either good or bad. This is not a realistic interpretation of our world. I am a psychotherapist, I should be able to get myself out of this. Could I be any more useless? Then one day I asked for help. I finally realized that his condition was bigger than me. I am a trauma survivor and although my court case was over the violent acts that happened to me did not magically disappear.

I examined what was happening and could see that I was suffering a Post Traumatic crisis and I needed proper care. So I reached out and  got the professional help that I needed, and because I admitted my vulnerabilities quickly, my insights and recovery are a much easier process to under go. I took the time that I needed to rest, be gentle with myself, quieten my inner critic and rearrange my thoughts from the negative cycle that had developed, to a more positive out look. One of the most important healings that I can pass on for those recovering from trauma is to replace judgment with curiosity. Rather than judge yourself or others for a thought or action, ask why  or how some thing or some one might be saying or behaving in a particular way. This includes yourself. (Never tolerate abuse or violence. This is a crime and should be reported to police immediately)

My self care and professional support took some time but I am well worth the effort. I deserve to have a contented and peaceful life. This did not mean that I suddenly saw the world as a place of sunshine, lollipops and unicorns who fart rainbows. This world that we live is full of injustice, pain and suffering but it is also full of wonderful people who care about others and aim to make our world a better place. I came to terms that it is not up to me to hold the weight human suffering my own shoulders. I am only one human of billions. Making this realisation was cathartic. I had been putting an enormous amount of stress and energy into the cause of protecting other children from the dreadful abuses that I had suffered. After 16 long years, my battle against Hartman, the Marianists and the Catholic Church seemed to be suddenly over and I was left with a massive void in my life. It was like experiencing a death in a way. Not at all what I was expecting and seemingly impossible for others to understand. By watching the news and focusing on negative life experiences, I believe that I was unconsciously searching for another marathon that I could champion. It had never occurred to me to fill this void with love and joy and fun. Due to the pathetic sentence of 3 years with 1 suspended that Hartman received, I still felt as if I needed to go a few extra rounds to finish the fight.

This was not to be.
It was time to develop a shift in perception, a new sense of self in order to live a bountiful existence. The warrior will be left to her recovery until she is called again. She has completed her odyssey and now is entitled to dance and sing with her husband, children and friends in good grace and peace. As a trauma counsellor, I have seen and heard many stories of injustice, and have witnessed the war weary who fight, sometimes with themselves, until their often untimely and lonely death, having never had the chance to live. This is one of the greatest tragedies of childhood trauma.
My world once again is full of music and creativity. I still have difficult moments and some righteous anger but I mindfully respect my intruding thoughts with curiosity, and understanding that they once had protective value. I allowing unhelpful thoughts to pass without offering them an opportunity to strengthen. and then get back to a more harmonious lived experience. I hope to continue to help others in the community again soon but I am no good to anyone if I don't allow myself  kindness, care and recovery first.
Live your Bliss
Mairead