In 1999 I was sent an apology letter from Brother Bernard Hartman in response to an impact letter that I sent him.He had been sexually abusing me for a number of years when I was between the ages of 8 and 11. The apology was short and meaningless.He did not hand himself to police, he did not make any possible amends, he has not shown any empathy to me or other survivors and he has drastically prolonged our fight for justice. So this has made me ask myself the question, ' What is a true apology? "

The letter sent to me by Brother Bernard Joseph Hartman November 3 1999

"Dear Mairead, 

This letter is an acknowledgement of the hurt I caused you by my actions many years ago. I acknowledge the pain that you must have experienced and the feelings that you expressed in your letter to me. I know that I have been the cause of this hurt, and I do acknowledge my part in that. I am sorry.

Bernard Hartman, SM"

So what makes an apology a true and empathetic expression of regret for treating another person in

"ALWAYS  LURKING"
It is my birthday in 2 weeks. I turn 51. This will be
The first birthday since I was 7 years old that I am
truly believed without question, that I was sexually
abused by Hartman. One day I hope to release my
wounded child but for now, all I can manage
is to let her know that I am here for her
and that I love her.

such a way that the recipient feels that their pain has been understood, validated and treated with respect. Often it comes in the form of reparation, at other times it may be possible to restore the damage or replace that which might have been broken or damaged.                                                                                                                                                        I was 34 years of age when I received this apology. I will be turning 51 in 2 weeks time. 17 winters have now passed and this Friday, 24th July 2015, I will be attending court for Hartman's sentencing. He may be given jail time or he may not. What I do know is that no matter what happens on Friday, the fear, shame, guilt and horror that I have suffered as a result of the sickening actions of this man, I will never regain my childhood and the times missed with my children due to the impacts of dealing with   1) the abuse as a child, and, 2) the cowardly way that Hartman avoided arrest and true responsibility for all of these years.                                                                                                             

I have been asked by people if I believe that Hartman his sorry.  His words have said one thing back in 1999 but his actions have been nothing but disruptive and shameful. So this brings me back to the question that I asked in the introduction, " What is a true apology?" I believe that a true apology is one in which the person who has hurt or damaged someone, experiences empathy and embodies those feelings to  try and understand the needs of the person whom they have harmed and make the best possible amends. This has not happened in this case and the apology that I was sent in 1999 is nothing but a string of empty words.

I look forward to Friday none the less. At the least Hartman will be placed on a sexual offender registry and if he is not given a custodial sentence here in Melbourne,  will most likely be sent back to Pittsburgh, United Stated, from where he was extradited in 2013. 

Live your Bliss

Mairead