You must be feeling........... Must I? The protective nature of distancing yourself from communal trauma. Mairead Ashcroft (B HolC, Dip TPAT) 16/7/15

"How are you?" As I under go the process of having my long term childhood sexual abuser incarcerated for crimes committed against me as a child, I have been asked this question many times. But more often than not, I am generally offered statements such as, "You must be so excited that it is nearly over, " or " You should be happy that he plead guilty, " and the most common, " Now you can put it all behind you and you can forget about it." Must I? Should I? Can I?

https://au.news.yahoo.com/vic/video/watch/28718265/victim-of-cruel-pedophile-catholic-brother-speaks-out/#page1

"DANCING MARIONETTE" Self portrait 
Dancing the dances, singing the songs and
performing the performances, all in vein

I understand that many people may be expressing genuine hope that I am "Excited", "Happy" and that it might be possible for me to "Forget about it." I am very grateful, and always will be for the wonderful, genuine support that some people have given me. Unfortunately others have deeply hurt me without even knowing it. I believe that it might be possible   that they, in fact, are hoping to be excited, happy and get over it so that the devastating realities within our communities can be distanced or worse, ignored as a protective factor for themselves. I totally understand this all too human, self-protective thought process and am prone to it myself .

Some topics are taboo in our day to day conversations and may unintentionally hold the presence of shame, blame and guilt. Events such as domestic violence, rape, incest, sex slavery and childhood sexual abuse are spoken about in dualistic terms, Us and Them, with the possible inference that the Us has no connection to Them, the non-abused and violated people, creating a bubble of false security.  I am not going to rattle off a list of statistics but I will tell you that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys under the age of 16 will be sexually abused in Australia. I am one of Them and one of many. Those of us who are suffering the impacts of abuse and violation are part of the general population but in most cases, the terrors that we endure are hidden and/or suppressed for fear of often perceived unconscious, unintentional judgment and ridicule by the very people that we should be able to turn to for support, our families, friends and neighbors. This phenomenon may just be the occurrence that perpetrators feed on. Society as a whole is victimized by these evil manipulators. It would seem that few if any of us are immune. 

THE GOLD" self portrait  
Pain and the gold come from the same place
if you allow the gold to come

Gone are the days when a village raises a child. Our lives have become insular and isolated possibly because of our fears. This isolation may be adding to the impacts for those of us who carry the burden of the trauma and embodied memories of trauma. In my personal experience it is this very embodiment that makes it so very difficult to feel "Excited," and "Happy". It is this embodiment that, perhaps, perpetuates the painful traumatic impacts. Throughout this process of  facing Brother Bernard Joseph Hartman in the courts, I have been re-traumatized by the events long ago and new traumas have been realized. I do not regret my decision to undergo this lengthy 16 year battle, and would do it all again. This does not mean that I have found this path easy, far from it. I have been physically, emotionally and spiritually ill and at times have been unable to walk out through my front door due to absolute fatigue and pain.

So what has kept me going? I hopped on a train one day and as passengers boarded the carriage and took their seats I counted all of the males and females. 1,2,3 females, 1,2,3,4,5,6 males. Most of the passengers were adults and as I looked around the packed train, by now with standing room only, I wondered how many were carrying the impacts of abuse and violation. I continued counting 1, 2, and this time 3 was a girl aged about 4, travelling with her mother. Fear and anxiety gripped my body. Was this little girl raped last night? Is she safe? When she is dropped off at kindergarten or childcare, how many children in her group will be molested on their own beds or physically and/or psychologically beaten to a pulp by someone who is supposed to love and protect them. I could not ignore my compulsion to break the silence in our society and that is why I have publicly shared my story.                   

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/a-plea-for-an-inquiry-and-a-tale-of-the-one-who-got-away-20111202-1obq3.html 

I don't believe that Abuse against children and others will ever end. We are humans and we are flawed. I do believe that if society as a whole could break the cycle of the Us and Them scenario, and endeavor to learn an empathetic response to those who are or have undergone degrading and traumatic experiences, survivors of such trauma might stand a better chance of recovery and the perpetrators may be more likely to be caught. I have had the privilege and freedom of speaking my mind, being believed and gaining support throughout this trial. Others are still unseen and may never be seen. These others may be sitting on the train next to you, live next door or be you or your child. Please speak to a professional like police, your doctor, a mental health practitioner, a phone counsellor or if you are lucky, someone who loves and respects you.
http://www.fortheinnocents.com/index.php/download_file/26/132/

"THE SHOW MUST GO ON"Self portrait 

Hiding pain and fear to appear "normal"

Breaking the silence can break the isolation. I strongly believe that the more we focus on looking after and paying attention to the needs of others with empathy and kindness, not shame, blame and guilt, the better chance we might have of reducing the prevalence of abuse of every kind. As John Lennon said, "I am you and you are me and we are we and we are all together" "Koo-koo-ka-choo"

Live your Bliss
Mairead